Misc. Jokes

Greek VS Italian

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek says, “We had great Mathematicians.”

The Italian says, “We had the Roman Empire.”

..and so on and so on …and then the Greek says: “We invented sex.”

The Italian says, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women…

 

 


1/2 Mati

 

Berikut hasil survei terbaru yang menganalisa tingkat kepuasan pria saat
tidur”bersama wanita menurut majalah FaHaM :

1. Tidur dengan wanita cantik : Bangga 1/2 mati
2. Tidur dengan PSK : Mahal 1/2 mati
3. Tidur dengan wanita jelek : Stress 1/2 mati
4. Tidur dengan wanita Hyper : Capek 1/2 mati
5. Tidur dengan pacar : Napsu 1/2 mati
6. Tidur dengan istri : mending pura pura mati
7. Tidur dengan istri orang : Napsu gak mati mati ( yakin deh … )
8. Tidur dengan banci : dongkol 1/2 mati
9. Tidur dengan istri tentara : Sudah pasti mati ! 

 

 


 

 

Has it licked ..

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted … “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

 

 


Pemain Piano Berukuran 25 cm

 

 

Seorang pria masuk ke bar dalam keadaan setengah mabuk. Di atas meja bar dia melihat seorang manusia kecil setinggi kurang lebih 25 cm saja. Dia pun sangat terkejut dan bertanya kepada bartender : “Hah? Apa ini?”

Sang bartender menjawab dengan tenang : “Dia seorang pianis.”

Pria itu tidak percaya. Namun bartender tersebut memberinya sebuah buku berisi lagu-lagu. Pria tadi mengangkat sang pianis dan meletakkannya di atas piano. Luar biasa. Ternyata sang pianis mampu bermain piano dengan sangat memukau layaknya maestro kelas dunia.

Pria tadi terkesima : “Wow! Saya juga mau yang seperti ini. Dari mana kamu mendapatkannya?”

Bartender menjawab : “Saya menemukannya di hutan belakang. Di sana ada sebuah lampu, jika digosok muncullah jin yang akan mengabulkan satu permintaan untukmu.”

Maka pria itu pun bergegas keluar menuju hutan dan menemukan sebuah lampu. Pria tersebut menggosoknya dan muncul jin berwarna hijau yang memberinya kesempatan untuk mengajukan satu permintaan.

Pria itu berteriak : “Saya mau uang seratus milyar!”

Dalam hitungan detik, dari langit berjatuhan milyaran udang. Pria tadi berlari ketakutan dan kembali ke bar dengan marah-marah.

Dia berkata kepada bartender : “Saya sudah menemukannya. Kau gila! Ketika aku meminta uang seratus milyar, dia malah memberiku udang seratus milyar!”

Sang bartender memandang pria tadi, kemudian bertanya balik : “Memangnya kamu pikir aku dulu minta pianis berukuran 25 cm?”

 


 

Let Him Dig ..

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!’ Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, ‘Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?’

The wife put down her drink and said, ‘Let him dig. I had him buried upside down……’

Bloody women,they think of everything!!!!


 

Kriminal kelas berat

Seorang polisi menyetop mobil yang sedang dikendarai Paijo. Polisi itu bilang bahwa sehubungan dengan kampanye hari Keselamatan Di Jalan Raya, Paijo mendapat hadiah uang tunai 10 juta rupiah. Itu karena Paijo mengenakan sabuk pengaman.

Paijo hampir-hampir tak percaya dengan keberuntungan ini.

“Ngomong-ngomong uangnya mau diapain nih?”, tanya pak Polisi tersebut.

“Hmmm….kayaknya akan saya pakai buat bikin SIM Pak”, jawab Paijo.

“Jangan dengarkan omongan dia Pak”, sela Sarimin teman Paijo yang duduk di sebelahnya, “Dia suka ngaco ngomongnya kalau lagi teler”

Udin yang tidur di kursi belakang kemudian terbangun, yang ketika melihat pak Polisi langsung berkata, “Benar kan kata saya, mobil curian kayak gini pasti dikenali polisi”

Saat itu juga terdengar ketukan dari bagasi belakang, disusul suara Prapto yang berteriak, “Hei, kita udah berhasil lewat perbatasan belum? Ganjanya bikin sesak nafas nih”

Pak Polisinya jatuh pingsan.

 


 

The barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I
can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2
hours.”

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How
long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favour.

Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?”

Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, “He met your wife at your
house.”

 


 

Tips menghadapi polantas

Seorang Polantas menghentikan mobil seorang pria yang ngebut dengan kecepatan tinggi menerobos lampu merah, dan bermaksud menilangnya.
Polantas: “Selamat malam Pak. Tolong lihat SIM-nya”.
Pria : “Wah, nggak ada Pak. SIM saya sudah dicabut gara-gara terlalu sering ditilang”.
Polantas: (Menyeringai) “Oya .? Kalau begitu, tolong perlihatkan STNK-nya”.
Pria : “Nggak punya Pak. Soalnya ini bukan mobil saya. Ini mobil hasil curian”.
Polantas: “Mobil curian?”
Pria : “Benar Pak. Tapi, tunggu sebentar. Kalau nggak salah ingat, saya lihat ada STNK di kotak perkakas di jok belakang waktu saya menyimpan pistol saya di sana”
Polantas: “Hah …? Ada pistol di kotak perkakas?”
Pria : “Iya Pak. Saya menaruh pistol saya di sana ketika saya selesai
merampok dan membunuh seorang wanita dan menaruh mayatnya di bagasi”.
Polantas: “Ada MAYAT di BAGASI ..?”
Pria : (Dengan muka dingin) “Iya Pak….”.
Mendengar demikian, dengan panik si Polantas menelepon atasannya yang kemudian menghubungi Kapolda. Tidak berapa lama kemudian, mobil itu segera dikepung oleh mobil-mobil polisi dan Kapolda mendekati si pria sambil memintanya untuk tetap tenang.
Kapolda: “Boleh saya lihat SIM Anda, Pak ?”
Pria : “Oh, tentu”. (SIM-nya masih berlaku dan resmi)
Kapolda: “Mobil siapa ini ?”
Pria : “Mobil saya Pak. Ini STNK saya”. (Juga masih berlaku)
Kapolda: ” Boleh Anda buka kotak perkakas dengan perlahan dan tunjukkan kepada saya pistol Anda di sana ?”
Pria : “Tentu saja Pak, tapi tidak ada pistol disana”. (Tentu saja, memang tidak ada pistol di sana)
Kapolda: “Hmm.. kalau begitu, boleh tolong buka bagasinya? Saya mendapat laporan bahwa ada mayat di sana”.
Pria : “Baik Pak …” (Bagasi dibuka dan memang tidak ada mayat di sana.)
Kapolda: “Saya tidak mengerti. Petugas yang menghentikan mobil Bapak mengatakan bahwa Bapak tidak mempunyai SIM, mencuri mobil ini, punya pistol di kotak perkakas, habis merampok dan membawa mayat di bagasi”.
Pria : “Oh, begitukah ceritanya .? Saya yakin si pembohong besar itu juga mengatakan kepada Bapak bahwa saya ngebut melanggar lampu merah .”.

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